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The Awakenings

How far can one man go? How long can he survive when everything and everything seems so fake to his naked eye. Some think he won't go far, others think he wouldn't move at all. I believe that he can go far more than anyone could ever imagine. I say he would reach the unreachable, do the unthinkable and reach all that is unreachable. Not for the love of survival or the unexplainable curve for life, but simply to know how long will the fake existence of man last. To find out if he could save the souls of those he cares about most whether they deserve it or not. Such desperate attempts give him the sense of self worth we all lack or take for granted. It's with those attempts he gives himself the feeling of being overwhelmed with pride and joy knowing that he did all he could to change the wrongs that were written so long ago that the right things were forgotten about as if they did not exist. Such man, as pure as he maybe, is always alienated. Excluded from the circles of sociality simply because of his believes. I say such man is an anomaly in the matrix of wrong doings and suicidal actions we perish ourselves with. Such man is a human being in with every meaning the word holds. A word that not longer has a meaning in our vocabulary. A word that was tainted with our dark thoughts. A word that reeks with our extraordinary desire to lead the wrong way. With our fascinating yet disturbing urge to do the wrong thing. And this was such man's life.

He was his father's son, so sweet. He never was never his mother's little bunny. A little child who just couldn't see the prison he was forced into with his so called friends. The monkey slowly climbed on his back. Invited him to be seated and roped. But no one cared. Fragile like a rose in the snow, eating all his strength and turning him into a dummy. Walking in the shades day and night, he couldn't shake the monkey off his back. And you could see the spark in his eyes go out, the last spark of hope that died. And now as a man, years after he cried, he spoke to his father:

Child

Forgive me father

Now it's my time

Forgive me father

I must die

This life is empty

But yet so true

I am so guilty

For loving you

My dreams have perished

They were sent to waste

And I was punished

As a part of your fate

You tried you best

But it's always the same

You tried your best

But it's not a game.

Your child I am

That will always be true

But me you damn

Without looking through

My fear is haunting

It came to life

My dreams are falling

They're wasting my life

For all the pain

For all the tears

They won't go in vain

They won't go in fears.

Now my words are falling like stones

Cracking your head so strong and clear

I see you mouth singing different tones

So tell me that which you hold so dear

Warm and yet so proud, the kind of pride that would kill any soul, his father stood there with the signs of guilt on his face showing so clear just like the blackness surrounding the eyes left by endless insomnia that has haunted his son for years, tears filled his eyes as he tried to comfort his son but his pride managed to take over again and so he screamed:

Hush

How can I forgive you?

You ask what no mind can endure

I know I've scared you

But everything has a cure

My dream, my son, my all

You are those to me

And yet that is not all

There is so much you should see

I can never begin to understand

What my hands have cast upon you

But here in front of you I stand

To tell you my guilt is true

How dare you ask my forgiveness?

When you'll take away my soul

I can never give you my bliss

I can never allow you that goal.

I know you're different from some

I felt it in your embrace

I never thought this day could come

When you leave me alone in such a place

Dearest of all

My favored son

I can't let you fall

Your wish will never be done.

The boy now facing his father in the shape of a man smiled, wept and walked. He heard everything he knew he would hear. Knowing that now he has tried his best to change things and he could go in peace into that eternal state of rest he had been seeking for al his life. But still he had some people to see and talk to. Some things to put in place. People like the other behind the reason he died so young. His own mother.

Mother why?

Mother I'm back

Put your child to sleep

It won't hurt your back

But it would move me so deep

I never held you

Nor did you hold me

There was nothing I could do

And you never fought for me

I was only a child

Who needed to come home again

You were wreck less and wild

And that gave me my pain

I promised the moon

I will pull through

I will die soon

And there's nothing you can do

Mother why did you lie?

You promised to save me

Remember that lie?

That's all it could be

Now sunshine or rain

I walk so broken and hurt

To me it's all the same

I was already burnt

Mother why do I cry?

I never made a mistake

You didn't even try

You stood there and I felt the ache

But not anymore

No I won't stop

I picked my door

And not an ounce of sweat will drop

Mother why did you send me to break?

Was that the easy way out?

Mother you saw me break

And you didn't so much as shout.

His mother was a kind gullible woman who blamed herself for so many things along the years that she lost track of her own mistakes. Hearing those words from her son almost killed her and indeed they did kill the last ray of hope she had to undo what was unjustly forced on her son. And so she spoke:

I wish you well

I know my son

I cannot win

I know my son

It was my sine

Your were cast away

I thought you'd be safe

Now I see you were never safe

I thought of you everyday

I even forgot how to laugh

Now I have nothing to say

What you said was quiet enough

For all your life I prayed for time

To show you where the light lies

There is no other rhyme

My soul with you it dies

So my dove

I wish you well

I will long for you love

Now we both can ring the same bell

To stop you

I can only try

But I know it will push you

So I can only cry.

Again he smiled turning away to hide his tears. The tears he never showed to the world. Wearing the same smile he masked himself with blinding him from seeing his end. Yet he was far from his end. There were a few other souls left for him to comfort. Souls he always believed suffered the same anguish and torment he had seen. His own flesh and blood, his brothers. But through out the years he reached out to them while they refused to see and understand that what he did was desperate cry for help not just another form of displaying affection.

Save yourselves

Brothers of mine

We share the same blood

I gave you more than one sign

But you washed them away in a flood

I tried to share life with you

You laughed and giggled at me

Now do u believe it's true?

Can you see what lived in me?

Today we all weep

We finally became as one

Tonight there is no sleep

Until I see the sun

Never forget how I lived learn from what I've become

To each other always give

Never chew each other like gum

I reached for you

You backed away

I didn't know what to do

And you never had anything to say

Words are now what I leave

Try and listen not just hear

I'm trying to help you before I leave

Hold each other so close so dear

Brothers never leave the other

Like dusty books on shelves

Brothers carry each other further

Brothers please save yourselves

His brothers shed tear almost drops of blood. They begged him to turn back, to try again. They finally realized what mistakes they had done and yet it was too late.

Where, what and how?

With your blood our hands reek

We beg you forgive our sins

Redemption now we seek

Only you ca wash away the sins

Please turn back

Please think again

Show us what we lack

Don't put us through that pain

You're our brother

You belong with us

You're even our father

Can't you see what you've done to us?

What, where and how?

Tell us and we will obey

This to you we vow

Just tell us you will stay

Have mercy on our souls

Please stop our tears

Only you make us whole

Talk and we're all ears

Will you stay?

Will you forgive?

Don't make us pay

Without you we can't live

Yet again he smiles comforting them the same way he always did. Only this time they knew he wouldn't be around anymore to feel their pain. And so he left going back to his chair on the roof waiting to see his last sunrise.

Something about the night always caught and placed him in a far isolated world where he lived as a king not ruling a thrown but living a normal life. The moon was always his best friend. He always dreamt about living on it or at least visiting it. But like everything else in his life, it never came true. As the sun rose from the distant horizon he smiled with joy not for the sight, but for knowing all that wait has come to an end. Slowly he raised his wrist and in one sharp move slit it open letting the noble blood cursing in his veins drain while he smiled at the sun. It got darker and darker; he could feel weight building up on his head. He felt dizzy, disoriented and yet so happy until he finally slipped into his eternal resting place. Should've his end been different? Did he run away? Was it a mistake? Maybe that he finally found joy; he finally spoke whatever words he should've said years ago. Maybe now he will be remembered in his death instead of being forgotten in his life.

Awakenings

Flashes of light

I can't open my eyes

Blind spots in my sight

I wait till darkness dies

Soon I saw walls

Kwon to me from before

Someone my name calls

Leaning from the door

My mother? How could it be?

Am I not dead yet?

Is it her I really see?

Wasn't my end set?

I got up shocked with wonder

I saw them all as they were

Is this what's waiting for me under?

Is this what I choose to dare?

Then it hit me

Then it came clear

It jumped out and bit me

It's what I've always feared

I was in bed

I dripped in my sweat

Everything that was said

Wasn't really felt

I was in a dream

One I wish was true

Now I wish I could scream

But there's not much I can do

Instead I laugh in pain

I was close to the end

I think I'm going insane

My thoughts they twist and bend

Now I have to live

Nothing much I could do

Again I have to give

Until I get through

But God I ask you this

Please help me go on

Please send me bliss

Don't over look my moan.

His shock and wonder took over him as he woke up to realize that everything he had seen was a fragment of his imagination. His mind was playing tricks on him as he slept and guided his dreams towards the one thing that would give him relief. And as he pulled himself together and snapped back to reality he knew that after that night, after that dream he can never be safe again. He knew that his life will echo in his dreams, that his fears will haunt him in his sleep. He knew that even the one place where he thought he could live in peace is no longer that sanctuary he runs to just to keep himself from losing the last thread of sanity he had left. And so he blinded himself with laughter prying for the sweet release hoping that all that he's been through has not gone to waste. Hoping that one day, just for a brief moment he will be free.

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